28 Mar A Glimpse & A Peek (P.S. I’m still alive)
Hello dear Readers, I am happy to tell you I am alive.
I am so sorry for my absence, really I am, and I have missed you, especially the last few days.
These past two weeks have been the longest I have gone without blogging in over two years. It made me feel really strange at first, and then you kind of realize, the world goes on. Not that I expect it not to, but us multi-taskers get rather set in our ways, do we not? We do this, then we do this, then we do this. And we have to do it. We must do it. But sometimes you have a surgery, and you simply cannot multi-task. You can’t do anything, except lay on the couch and stare at the pretty 1920’s windows in your home. (we have a pair of these stained glass windows in what we call the “Library”, aren’t they lovely?) Also, laying on the couch staring at windows sounds nice only if you feel good.
Earlier today, as I finally waded through accumulated emails, I received one from a concerned reader wondering why I had been “vague” about my surgeries. It’s a good question, and I have not been mum about it for any other reason except I try to keep it light-hearted around these parts. I know plenty of you out there are hurting and going through hard things. There’s bad news and problems everywhere, right? I like to think that you can spend a few minutes each day with me, reading about pretty things, and creativity, and inspirational design, and maybe you can slide out of the real world for just a minute. I like this to be a “feel good” time for you.
However, I also understand that you read here, and you are invested. It makes sense that you would want to know what is going on – or you are simply curious. So here’s the deal…I developed a hernia in my abdomen after my fourth baby. I ignored it for awhile until it got to the point where it would pop out and bring me to my knees. At that point, I knew I needed surgery, and I went to the doctor, and he told me it needed to happen right away. After the initial hernia repair, I developed a liter size hematoma (blood clot), and that is when everything went wrong. I had the hematoma removed, but I still continued to have problems, resulting in more surgeries. Since I noticed I was still having problems, I changed doctors, and had a new cat scan which highlighted the need for further attention. Two weeks ago, I had my sixth surgery in the past year to fix all of this. By that Friday night, I was once again in the operating room, having an emergency surgery to remove more blood clots. Less than forty eight hours later, I had what felt like the stomach flu and was very ill.
As much as I thought I could rest easy and still manage life and blog from the sofa, I was rendered completely useless. I felt so terrible. And I knew the right thing to do was just rest. Just lay down and stare at windows. Watch TV. Put the phone and computer away. Of course, since I felt so bad and had no ability to do much of anything anyways, this was much easier. Thankfully, I have amazing friends, an awesome husband, and a couple of sweet babysitters who have helped take care of the kids while I recuperated. I have really missed being a Mommy.
These past two and a half weeks have felt much longer – I feel like I have been down at least a month. I missed the peach blossoms on our peach trees, my sweet boys first baseball game, and I have had to put client projects and freelance writing on hold. With previous surgeries, I have always asked, “When can I get back to life?, When can I do this? When can I do that?”, and then as soon as that deadline hit, I was off running. My approach this go-around is going to be quite different. I plan on easing into life and taking my time. I need to gift myself that, I think. I’m learning more and more about how making myself a priority is better for everyone. Don’t we forget that all too often? Last year, I realized I never really had time to not think about anything. I was constantly thinking in my head about all sorts of things, I had to. I think it’s good (and important!) to give yourself time to think about nothing, to let your mind wander. I have since cleared out my life and realized more of my limitations. But eeks, limitations is a difficult word for me to say. I often feel like I can do anything, but I can’t, and even if I could, “everything permissible is not beneficial”, yes?
My family is my first priority, and I realize so deeply how wonderful I have it to have them – to have a husband that loves me and four beautiful, spirited kids to teach and cultivate and care for. The magnitude of this blessing grips me so tightly at times that I am momentarily filled with fear of losing them. Do you have those moments? I’m so thankful I can trust my gifts with the One who gave them to me.
I could go on and on, but here is a peek into what has been going on and a glimpse into my heart. I hope that wherever Life finds you today that you hug your loved ones a little tighter, that you allow yourself to feel grateful for things we often take for granted like legs to walk on and eyes to see, and that you let yourself have the time to let your mind wander.
See you next week.